I was sent a Guardian Angel when I was 23. I hated her and thought she was a witch. I was jealous and wanted to wipe her off the face of the earth. Unable to see her wings or her halo, all I could see was my rage.
When I was 23, I had been in a toxic relationship for six years. Drugs, abuse, and low self-worth were constant companions. I loved to hate him. Desperate at times to leave, but I couldn’t. I was addicted to the turmoil. With the flared-up anger, came passion and excitement. It was a vicious cycle of trying to create a life and a family, both of us were in complete meltdown and dysfunction.
I wanted to leave. I tried. One day I packed a bag, left my engagement ring on the counter, and headed to my mom’s, where I spent a few days. The fear kicked in: I was afraid to be alone. Completely terrified to stand on my own feet. I had become so dependent on this person who had mentally abused me daily. We tortured each other. I’m sure he would say I abused him. Cold and distant, I withheld my heart in hopes of trying to protect myself.
Eventually I returned, realizing I wasn’t going anywhere. I put my ring back on, I was willing to settle. What I didn’t know then, is that he wasn’t. Just a few weeks later, he didn’t come home one night. One night turned into two, then three, then forever. I was devastated; it brought me to my knees. This person that I loved to hate didn’t want to stay. My ego was shattered, and I couldn’t take the pain of not being wanted, not being enough. I didn’t have a choice, I lost control of the relationship, and he wasn’t coming back.
He told me he was leaving and swore he hadn’t met someone else. I believed him, mostly because I needed to. I couldn’t be second best. Until one day my friend called to say she saw him with another girl. He finally admitted that he had met her before he left me. My heart broke again, or was it my ego? I knew we weren’t meant to be together. I loved to hate him, that’s not the love I was looking for.
I felt a hot rage towards his new girlfriend. This home-breaking bitch stole my life, my future, and all of our dreams. I imagined them laughing together, living happily-ever-after. I held onto that anger for over a year. I felt so betrayed and so alone.
Fast forward 15 years, and I want to say thank you to this woman. I now see her as my Guardian Angel. I was never meant to be with that man. The Universe had a different plan for me, and when I was too terrified to change, she took matters into her own hands. She sent this woman my way to shake my world apart. To light a fire so big that it burned everything I knew into ash. She stole my world because it wasn’t meant to be mine.
The ash that was left was my new foundation. Slowly, I started to sprout a new world. I had to pick myself up after losing everything. The loneliness forced me to find my spirit, my passion, and myself. How was I ever going to love him when I didn’t love myself?!
When life knocks us down, and we are rolling in the mud, seeing the blessing in it is impossible. Looking back, this woman that I despised had come to save me. She was my Guardian Angel.