THE PULL
Do you ever feel like you’re being pulled in opposite directions? I often feel like this. Balancing being a homeschooling parent of 3 and making time for my own personal goals is a real struggle at times. My dream is to homeschool my children right up until college/university, or career if they get straight to that, and this totally slows the flow of getting my own shit done.
I’m as selfless as one can possibly be with his or her children, which means that carving my own time out in the day isn’t easy. I can get really frustrated with the constant needs coming at me like throws from a baseball practice. All. Day. Long. The constant “mom, mommy, mamma,” and now resorting to “Deirdre” because it’s the only thing I will answer to due to PTSD for the last 20 years I’ve been parenting, is like nails on a chalkboard. Some days those names I’ve earned weigh down on me like a vice gripping tighter and tighter and I’m screaming for an escape quietly inside my own head. Do you ever wonder to yourself, what did I get myself into? Whether it’s a job, relationship, or kids?
How did I ever get the idea that having so many kids was a good idea??
Here is where gratitude kicks in, it absolutely has to. Gratitude is the only way I will survive. I tell myself they all have a divine purpose to fulfill on earth, they are here to do great things. As Kayden cries endlessly, I tell myself he’s here to do great things. Sometimes I have to repeat it to myself 20 times until it’s so true that I accept the temporary torture of tears that he places upon me multiple times per day. I believe Kayden was sent here to push me into my true purpose in life. While I was pregnant with him I was in a deep depression, and this is when the meditating, writing, and healing began. He stirred so much of my life vigorously, really forcing me to stretch and grow as a person. He has just turned one and I keep waiting for things to get easier, but they don’t. There is nothing easy about having kids and even though we have designed our life to be stress-free, it will never be 100 % that.
Separating myself as my own person, aside from being mom and wife, is something I’m still learning to do. Setting time aside for myself in the day has been crucial to me finding my happy place. Telling the kids I’m off duty while Kayden naps or hiring help a few days a week so that I can nurture my soul with reading, writing, and exercise has really changed my life. This has been a hard and drawn-out lesson to learn to be someone who is always giving to others and feeling like I’m never giving enough. Even when I’ve depleted myself to the core, I wonder if I could have done more.
Filling myself up with new dreams and goals that I’m so excited to accomplish has really opened my eyes. I’ve learned that I can give a lot of myself to others when I fill myself up first. It takes away resentments and the feelings of not being good enough. When I start to get this funny feeling in my stomach, the one that tells me that I’m at the end of my rope, I stop and look inwards for what needs I have that aren’t being met, usually by myself. I find it amazing how our body speaks to us if we take the time to slow down and listen.
How does your body speak to you? Do you have a cue that lets you know you need to slow down or switch direction? I would love to hear about it in the comments below.
Be Well Friends.
